Track 4 of Future Ghosts.
day to day
hour to hour
second second
all i do is circus
-
in my suffering
who is the sufferer?
it happens to me
it afflicts me
but i am stood aside;
i look on;
where am i
in that?
-
i want to phone my employer
say 'i can't come in today.
why? don't you realise
this world is a
surreal ontological joke?
a puppet show?'
-
i move so quickly
from one assumed persona
to the next
i forget
who i was
underneath it all
-
i play this role
of being real
belong
of place to be
not
don't
isn't
i play this role
-
the bust silk gnash
the rust black weight
red moon laugh
and blade unfurl
to the shorn singularity
of night
not star too far
my teen dream sing
the teeth that speak
my curtain pricked
to the shorn singularity
of night
where blood is word
where meat bells grin
where i stitch and pin
pikaia puppet
to the shorn singularity
of night
Musically, this draws chiefly on the Logos track Bipolar Binary from Shamania, in particular the lengthy middle section. As with the rest of Future Ghosts, the text was all originally posted - piece by piece and as it was written - on my Twitter feed in autumn 2013 (first three sections) and spring 2014 (remainder). I've mentioned before the influence of Thomas Ligotti on Future Ghosts; the meaning of the title should be clear. A couple of textual comments:
'i am stood aside; i look on; where am i in that?' - I've always found this aspect of depression fascinating; externalising oneself, viewing it as an experience one is having rather than a defining factor of one's character. Not that it makes the suffering itself any easier to handle.
'i want to phone my employer...' - Coincidentally or not, the day after writing this section on 18 November 2013, I was indeed signed off work by my GP for an extended period on mental health grounds.
'i move so quickly from one assumed persona to the next...' - See also the track Scarecrow from God Thing; 'blink out. one world. one sky. reach for notebook and drop a mass of papers. ten year novels. somme notes. undated rants. crop circle workplans. vic. mutable. inkling. zila dell. df. legal sec. i switch so quickly from persona to persona. i become my own hallucinations.'
Currently reading: Soldaten - Sonke Neitzel & Harald Welzer
Currently listening: Breathe Hard, Breathe Deep - Inhale